The Responsibility of Asking

This is the time of year when children are expected to make a list of requests for the presents they want for Christmas. Most of them do this, and I find this rather amazing. When I was young, I inwardly froze in terror if anybody asked me because for some reason I had no idea of the answer to this question. Partly, I think I wanted to be surprised because I enjoyed that, and partly, I really didn't know what I wanted, much less have the wherewithal to ask for it. I suppose I may have developed a list of sorts, but I was never very invested in it.

I think somewhere inherent in my uncertainty was also the fear that as soon as I would pick something it would be taken away or denied me. I therefore felt it was safer not to commit. Why set up expectations for Christmas morning and risk disappointment? Better to expect nothing and find yourself pleasantly surprised.

This worked well enough since I always received presents that I enjoyed, but I haven't found that it works very well in life. The very core of the human condition, and indeed survival, rests on wanting something and working to get it. We go nowhere in our careers, relationships, or leisure interests if we can't determine a path and envision ourselves in it. Our goals may change somewhat from time to time, but on some level we know what it is we want.

The trouble is asking for it. When we ask for something we really want, we risk being told "no" and many of us are terrified of that so much that we don't even ask. We don't even acknowledge to ourselves what we might want, so strong is our self-protective instinct against vulnerability. This is a tough problem to get around, and it requires that we frequently slow down and ask ourselves: Am I satisfied with my life as it is? What areas are problems for me? What would make them better? Who can help me with this? Have I prayed about it? How will I feel if I can't get the help I need? How will I feel if I DO get it? If the answer to the last question is "I'll feel wonderful" then you need to at least ask.

A stumbling block for me is actually asking for help. I feel I have to do everything myself and I take pride in it. Now that I'm married, I'm learning fast that it is better not to do everything myself. I have learned how good it feels to get something I want. The knowledge of that feeling helps me temper that fear of asking, or fear of even hoping.

This Christmas I hope we all find some time to center on what it is we want and where we can go to get help. We may not always get our answers, but we will at least experience the self-knowledge and liberation of allowing ourselves to hope, and ask!